Good Morning Sunshine

Once upon a time I, too, was a watcher of Good Morning America, Holly. I am talking way back when David Hartman was the host. Talk about a down to earth guy. Alas, I have not watched network morning shows for a long time. I am a fan of CNN Headline News. More specifically Morning Express with Robin Meade. Even more specifically, I am in love with Robin Meade. I would love to wake up next to Robin, but having her on my bedroom television while I get dressed will just have to do. My wife is okay with this because she realizes it is not a genuine threat. She even agreed to tour CNN headquarters with me on a trip to Atlanta in 1995.

HLN fits me perfectly. Its format more or less repeats every thirty minutes. I can tune in pretty much anytime and know what to expect. It is literally Headline News at the top and bottom of the hour, followed by weather with Bob Van Dillen, Financial news with Jennifer Westhoven and Sports with Rafer Weigel. This is usually topped off with some lighthearted human-interest story before starting all over.

Robin’s energy is just right. She is not perky so much as she is effervescent. She is easy on the sleep-crusted eye and comes across as intelligent enough to hold up her end of a descent conversation. She is a former beauty queen whose talent is a very sexy singing voice, which she blesses us with every once in a while. Her good-natured banter with the rest of the crew seems natural and never forced. I hate fake joviality at any time, but especially when I am not fully awake.

Robin has continued to show unfailing support for the troops serving overseas. She does a “Salute the Troops” segment every single day and has done numerous special assignments with our military. If I were a soldier and got a visit from Robin, it would remind me of all that is good about America.

Let us be clear…this is my morning show. In recent years, HLN has tried to mess with the formula and been about as successful as New Coke in my opinion. What has this wrought in the evenings? Nancy Grace. She is the anti-Robin. Shrill, obnoxious, self-promoting and nauseating. There are tiny, almost imperceptible dents in my T.V. from where I throw my house shoes at the screen whenever they are promoting that loud-mouthed harpy.

Hey Holly, perhaps we could arrange for both Matt Lauer and Nancy Grace to be confined to a Jersey beach house. We could tell them they were participating in a reality show called “The Douche Bag and the Brash Hag.” By the time they figure out there are no cameras; we will have made morning television safe once again.

Matt Lauer is a Douche

Recently I underwent some orthodontia that had me in the dental chair at 8:00 a.m. on a regular basis.  My orthodontist has one of those slick new offices with flat screen TVs all over the examining area.  You know, the kind that has been made possible by your friends at Delta Dental.  I’m not one to complain, though.  I pay plenty for that insurance, and dammit, if my cute and preppy orthodontist wants his office to look like HH Gregg, I’m down with that.  Er, okay, one complaint.  The remote is always in the control of his numerous, youthful, and surgically enhanced dental assistants, not me.  And all those gum-smacking losers want to watch is the Today Show.  WTF?!

I wonder if the CIA has thought of this?  Forget waterboarding.  The real way to get people talking is to strap them down in a dentist chair, give them a couple hours of Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera, and start tightening their braces.  I’ll say anything!  Just stop this torture!

I remember when Matt Lauer was a heartthrob.  I didn’t get it.  I never trusted the guy.  Anyone who could sit next to Katie Couric every day without a garlic necklace and a crucifix was obviously the archangel of death. Raise your eyebrow at me all you want, but you know I’m right.

I don’t know why I dislike Mr. Lauer so much, but everything about him screams “douche” to me.  I can just see him sitting around Long Island on the weekends, wearing Ed Hardy and drinking PBRs with #1 wingman Michael Lohan, both of them sexting Snooki and JWoww and trolling Craigslist for NSA opportunities. Taking their shirts off and flexing in the bathroom mirror. (Yes, I know L.I. is not on the Jersey Shore, and no, I don't really care about the fine points that differentiate the two.)  Okay, I don’t know if Matt actually does any of those douche-arific things.  But I can totally see it, and you know you can, too.

So what do I watch? Good Morning America.  That’s right, bitches! GMA and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

As miserable as everyone seems on the Today Show (working with Matt must eat away at your soul), my GMA crew is a happy, stand-up bunch. I’ll put my GMA peeps up against Dour Lauer any day of the week.

Perhaps the happiest person on Team GMA is Chris Cuomo, and with good reason.  This guy is an obvious underachiever in a family of overachievers (his dad was governor of NY, his brother is attorney general of NY).  Okay, I’ll admit he went to Yale, which means he’s at least as smart as George W. Bush. But somehow I know Chris is a stand-up guy.  I’m positive Chris ran for student council in high school, not because he thought it was ironic, but because he wanted to make a difference. If I had a flat tire on a Friday afternoon on the L.I. Expressway, Chris would totally pull over and change my tire while chit-chatting about his wife Cristina and daughter Bella, clearly the favorite of his brood of three, however politically incorrect that may be.  Matt Lauer, that douchemaster, would blow by us in his Porsche, probably giving Chris the finger if he recognized him.  GMA – 1, Today Show Douche – 0.

But just so you don’t think I’m totally psychostalker over Chris, let me just say I’m a big fan of Sam Champion, too.  God forbid I should ever be a participant in one of those wish-before-I-die organizations, but if I am, my dream would be to go shopping in NYC with Sam Champion.  That boy has some style.  I know he wouldn’t lie to me if I asked him if these jeans make my butt look flat. I remember the day he took viewers into his apartment and showed how he packs when he’s being dispatched to a severe weather event.  THEN he allowed the cameras into his shower – the hair products……moment of silence….not yet….not yet…..  Matt Lauer and hair products?  Need I say more?

The question mark in the GMA lineup is George Stephanopoulos.  (Sidebar – my spellcheck knows how to spell “Stephanopoulos” – this is a strike against you, Georgie boy.)  I’ve had more than a small crush on George since he was wiping the floors of the Oval Office with blue dresses from the Gap.  But the boys you crush on and the boys you want to wake up with don’t always inhabit the same universe, natch.  I’m trying not to hold against George that I’m taller than him, without my usual 4” heels.  But that does bother me, more than a little.  At the end of the day, however, I know that if I had both George and Matt liquored up in a north shore beach house, George would sip champagne from my slippers, but Matt would want to try them on. And borrow my lipstick.  Slight advantage, GMA.

In addition to George, another relative newcomer to the frontlines of GMA is Juju Chang.  I want to like Juju.  She’s cute, she’s perky, she’s a mother of boys, and she went to college on the Left Coast.  Just like me.  Er, whatever.  She seems like the type that has an LLBean Swiss Army knife stashed in the back pocket of her True Religions, just in case she runs into John Mayer at brunch and is overwhelmed with the desire to cut him.  And for that, I’d rather harass the Sunday afternoon waitstaff with Juju over Doucharific Matt Lauer every time.

And on that note, if I were ever in a gunfight, or a fistfight, or a mud wrestling match, I just hope GMA’s Robin Roberts has my back.  The girl is fierce.  I’ll admit, I had doubts when they brought her over from ESPN. And I thought the whole on-air-cancer thing was pandering a bit.  But any chick who my spiritual leader Diane Sawyer is down with is likewise a chick who Holly Tara is down with. Robin won me over when I heard she turned down a basketball scholarship at LSU, or as my kids call it, LS Boo. If she and Douche Boy Matt went head-to-head in a game of one-on-one hoops, my money’s on Robin, with one hand behind her back, just to make it fair. Go on with your bad self, Robin!

Come Monday, I’ll be watching GMA.  Come Monday, it’ll be alright.

Chip, what are your morning preferences?  Um, this is a family blog.  Keep it decent.

Peace, Holly